Coming in at number five on the list of most popular dog breeds in the U.S. is the Bulldog. But why? They aren’t cute at all (OK, they are really super cute!). Plus, they are stubborn and always do what they want (although, if you ask Bulldog owners, this is a major part of their appeal).
But worst of all are the hideous farts they let loose at the most impromptu times (this fact is actually true and might be the one true drawback of owning a Bulldog). And, let’s not forget that Bulldogs are devious at best and outright manipulators at the worst, but who can say no to their cute little faces?
So, the next time you decide that you want a dog, you are best to avoid getting a Bulldog, especially if you hate dogs that are devoted, obedient, adorable, and patient … though you didn’t hear that here! To find out why you shouldn’t (should!) adopt a Bulldog, read on.
1) Bulldogs Are Not Photogenic
All Bulldogs are not photogenic. They take the worst pictures and have no clue on how to glam for the camera. They won’t even strike a pose, simply laying there like a lifeless lump, wallowing in their selfishness. Trust me, you are better off taking a photo of a tree, which has way more personality.
2) Bulldogs Are Killers
In addition to being self-centered, Bulldogs are also natural killers. This especially true of their parents or older siblings, who must always sleep with one eye open in fear of being attacked by Bulldog pups. Watch out for their sharp teeth, as they’ll get you with them every time.
3) Bulldogs Are Not Cute When Sleeping
Another defense to drive away potential invaders of their personal space is in the way a Bulldog sleeps. They like to make themselves as much of a lump as possible. This lowers their center of gravity, making it harder to pick them up or get to their vital organs.
4) Bulldogs Will Come Between You and Your Children
Bulldog pups, on the other hand, have it in for your children, surrounding them while they are babies with the goal of eventually making your child one of their own. Before you know it, your child will start crawling around on all fours, barking like a dog, and letting out horrid little farts. Oh wait, that’s just part of being a baby.
5) Bulldog Puppies Are Not Cute
Bulldog puppies are far from cute, and actually look like little furry maggots that constantly need your love and affection. That’s how they are able to fool so many into adopting them. They make you think they are helpless only to turn the tables later on.
6) Bulldogs Always Have to Be the Center of Attention
In addition to sucking up all of the love in a room, Bulldogs constantly have to be the center of attention. They do this by making cute little faces, deceiving many owners. This is all a part of the ploy to draw you in and make you love them even more.
7) Bulldogs Do Not like to Cuddle
The first sign of a Bulldog’s true intentions lies in their refusal to cuddle. These cold-hearted monsters get you to fall in love with them and then refuse to reciprocate your love and attention. They are almost like little energy vampires who give nothing in return.
8) Bulldogs Are Terrifying
If you ever find yourself in a dark alley, hopefully you won’t come across a Bulldog. In the dark, or even the light, Bulldogs are terrifying. They never show a funny face and are all mean looks and growls.
9) Bulldogs Hate Road Trips
Forget about taking a Bulldog on a road trip, they abhor the very idea. Bulldogs will even sabotage an engine to avoid going out in the car. That noise you hear at night is your Bulldog in the garage removing your sparkplugs.
10) Bulldogs Are Scrooges at Christmas
Bulldogs become downright scrooges at Christmas. If you listen close enough, you can hear them whisper “Bah humbug” whenever you wish someone a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. They have no holiday spirit to speak of, so forget about including them in any festivities.
11) Bulldogs Hate Being Outside
Bulldogs hate the sun and being outdoors. They never want to feel the sun on their face, as it doesn’t fit the dark mood they are always in. The feel of grass beneath their paws is toxic to them, and they avoid it if at all possible.
12) Bulldogs Are Not Cute
Most of all, Bulldogs are not cute. They are short, wrinkle-skinned monstrosities that leach off of their owners. Moody dogs, a Bulldog more often than not sucks any joy out of a room, replacing it instead with their horrid little farts and terrifying presence.
13) Bulldogs Do Not Do Good at Weddings
If you have a wedding planned, do not bring along a Bulldog. They will ruin the festivities and leave the bride crying, and maybe even the groom. And forget about taking any memorable pictures. Bulldogs are notorious photo bombers and will stop at nothing to ruin a photo.
14) Bulldogs Hate to Swim
Bulldogs and water do not mix. In addition, you need to watch out if you are in the pool and a Bulldog is around. Bulldogs will get in the water, but only to try and trip unwary swimmers as they exit the pool via the steps.
15) Bulldogs Are Not Obedient
Bulldogs are impossible to train. They refuse to roll over, and forget about telling them to sit. They’ll just lay there and look at you like you’re an idiot. Then, just to spite you, they’ll follow your command after you leave the room.
16) Bulldogs Never Smile
And forget smiling, a word not in the Bulldog’s vocabulary. They are all frowns and mean looks. And if you try to get them to smile at you, they will simply turn around and fart in your general direction … one of their horrid Bulldog farts (it’s true, their farts do stink).
17) Bulldogs Are Never in a Good Mood
Bulldogs never smile because they are never in a good mood. They like to make the lives of their owners miserable because they are always miserable themselves. If you do see a smile on a Bulldog’s face, it is only because they have hatched a devious plan to make you miserable.
18) Bulldogs Like to Block Your View of the TV
Bulldogs also have a knack for blocking your view of the TV at the most inopportune times. This is all a ploy on their part to destroy what little joy you get from your favorite TV shows. And when you call them on it, they act like they were sleeping and didn’t realize what they were doing.
19) Bulldogs Are Not Handsome
Bulldogs are not handsome … far from it. They are wrinkled, short-legged creatures who sit around all the time taking up space. They never put on a show for the camera and do not like to even have their photo taken.
20) Bulldogs Like to Mess With Your Plans
If you have a great idea, such as buying an extra bed to give your two Bulldogs extra room to stretch out, forget about it. Both of those Bulldogs will thwart your attempts to make them happy by sleeping in the same, old bed just to spite you.
21) Bulldogs Do Not Make Good Parents
Above all else, Bulldogs do not make good parents to their young. This is because Bulldog pups are always plotting on how to come between you and your own children. It is almost like they have an instinctive cunning from the moment they are born.
22) Bulldogs Are Obsessed With Sweaters
Bulldogs love wearing sweaters (this might actually be true), which is simple enough until you look up one day and realize that you have over 5,000 sweaters for your Bulldog. This, alone, is not that big of a deal, but you now have no room for your own clothing.
23) Bulldogs Are Terrible Work Dogs
Bulldogs are terrible when it comes to work. This does not stop them from hogging your computer at the most inconvenient times. Usually, this is when you get home from a long, hard day at work and only want to relax and surf the Web. Forget that, your Bulldog is probably on the computer, hogging it up just to spite you.
24) Bulldogs Will Invade Your Personal Space
If you value personal space, do not get a Bulldog. They are always up in your grill with their smelly breath and nasty Bulldog farts. The only way to get away from their constant attention grabs is to spend more time at work.
25) Bulldogs Have Too Much Energy
Bulldogs are said to have too much energy, never slowing down, unless of course that is what you least need in the moment. Then they become slow as molasses. They are also known to fall asleep in the most inappropriate of places, such as in your lap when you are trying to work.
26) Bulldogs Can Put You to Shame When it Comes to Yoga
And, just when you think you’ve mastered the latest yoga moves, your Bulldog will come along and make you look like an amateur. Downward Dog … they have the move mastered because, of course, they are dogs.
27) Bulldogs Have No Personality
Bulldogs also lack anything near a personality. They don’t like to joke around with their owners and take funny photos of them dressed up wearing glasses. And forget having them sit in a chair. They take it as an insult that you would want them to act so human.
28) Bulldogs Like to Fall Asleep on Your Face
As was mentioned previously, Bulldogs fall asleep in the most awkward of places, most notably on your face while you are sleeping. Before you know it, you are waking up with a face full of doggy drool wondering what that horrendous smell is (hint: it’s their farts).
29) Bulldogs Don’t Look Good Dressed Up
Don’t even bother buying them any special outfits; they look horrible in them. What do you think, your Bulldog is a doll? Keep that nonsense for your children, and if you don’t have any, get a cat. According to Bulldogs, cats love playing dress-up.
30) Bulldogs Are Ferocious
Bulldogs are known for their ferocity. You will never find them in a funny situation, much less get a picture of them in such a situation. And if you do happen to get a lighthearted photo of a Bulldog, expect your camera to go missing. They do have to keep up appearances after all.
31) Bulldogs Are Monsters
In fact, Bulldogs are horrendous monsters with not a kind or funny bone in their body. They are mean to their owners and always get their way. When they don’t, they like to make their owners feel guilty.
32) Bulldogs Like to Use Guilt Trips as a Weapon
Speaking of feeling guilty, Bulldogs are known far and wide for using guilt trips as a weapon. If you don’t do exactly what your Bulldog wants, be ready for a guilt trip of magnitude proportions.
33) Bulldogs Are Ferocious Beasts
Bulldogs are ferocious beasts who only have their own best interests at heart. This means that they are liable to lash out and punish you for going against them. This is most often accomplished through the strategic release of a series of stinky farts.
34) Bulldogs Like to Be Treated Like Royalty
This is all because Bulldogs expect to be treated like royalty. They like to think of themselves as the king of the castle. They expect exacting servitude, as we are all mere peasants to them.
35) Bulldogs Like to Mock Their Owners While They Sleep
Unknown to many Bulldog owners, your Bulldog also likes to mock you while you sleep. They get a secret joy out of this, as it makes them feel superior to their human masters. As soon as you wake up, though, they are back to being their old Bulldog selves.
36) Bulldogs Like to Stare at You While You Are Using the Bathroom
Did I mention their lack of a sense of personal space? (I think I did.) As soon as you take one step into the bathroom, there they are watching you. Talk about awkward!
37) Did I Mention That Bulldogs Look Ferocious?
Yes, they really do look ferocious, and any evidence to the contrary is quickly disposed of in the dead of night. So, if you happen to get a revealing photo of a Bulldog, lock your camera up tight somewhere.
38) Bulldogs Love to Talk About ‘Star Wars’
The one things that all Bulldogs do with regularity is talk about Star Wars. When they do so they like to wrap themselves in flowing robes and talk like Yoda. And while Jedis they might be not, closely to the dark side they do work.
39) Bulldogs Are Unflinching in the Face of Horror
And forget inviting them to watch a horror movie with you. Bulldogs by their very nature are unflinching in the face of such fear. This is because they have seen much worse (at least according to them) and scoff at any attempts at horror on the big screen.
40) You’ll Definitely Regret Getting a Bulldog
Trust me when I say you’ll regret adopting a Bulldog. They are miserable little scamps without an ounce of joy in their body. They will make your life hell and laugh while doing it, especially if you decide to take them on vacation with you.