Full disclosure: I like my dog more than 99.5 percent of the population.
I take him to doggy daycare. I spend more on his grooming than I would ever spend on myself. He’s the main feature of all my Christmas cards. But there are lines even I wouldn’t cross…probably…eh, maybe not.
Fine, I just wanted to judge other pet parents to feel better about myself. Happy?
Come, join me in judgement!
1. Howdy, partner.
See, this here’s a classic example. I would never make my dog wear a cowboy hat and boots. And not just because he’d poop in my shoe later. No, this is just going too far.
2. These fish have nicer senior pictures than I did.
I’ve heard of “cat ladies” and “dog moms.” But “fish dad” is a new one. A terrible, totally unnecessary new one. And what kind of name is “Bertrude” anyway?
3. Smoking is bad for dogs, too.
This is a prime example of bad dog parenting. Sure, you got Goldie to sit still despite the glasses and pipe. But what lesson are you teaching him? Next he’ll be vaping.
4. Actually, this is legit.
Some might say this lady has gone too far. But given the chance to drive your dog around in a remote-controlled car, who among you would decline? Whatever. You’re just lying to yourself.
5. This cat’s name is Art.
You can try to convince yourself this portrait is something someone created in Photoshop, but you and I both know this painting is hanging on the wall in a home of an obsessed cat person.
6. Who’s the birdbrain here?
You’ve reduced a graceful flying creature to something that would be better suited to watching Netflix on the couch. Sure, the bird looks happier than I’ve been in years, but you should still feel ashamed.
7. He’s not the only one who’s traumatized.
We all feel for you, Baxter. Don’t worry though. Our parents humiliated all of us at some point in our lives. You’re not alone. Now, who’s a good vampire?
8. Taking a walk…of shame.
Question for you, ma’am. When you excitedly asked your dog if she wanted to go for a walk, did she look at you with the saddest, most disappointed eyes you’d ever seen in another living being?
9. With this kibble, I thee wed.
OK, this is kinda adorable and better than about two-thirds of all wedding pictures ever. The bow tied to the tree is a nice touch. I wonder if they’re registered at PetSmart or Petco?
10. You’re getting murdered in your sleep.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon. You’re going to wake up with that unicorn costume horn shoved somewhere you never even dreamed possible. It will not be magical.
11. Do not show this to my dog.
He will definitely want a laptop of his own. Also, I’d like to have this woman’s life. Just chillin’, doing some freelancing while her dog looks up cat memes online.
12. Judgmental cats are…judgmental.
Lady, that’s not an intervention. An intervention starts out with loved ones assuring you you’re in a safe place. Those cats do not love you, and you are in no way safe. Flee while you can.
13. It’s time to party.
Let’s see, presents, dog-friendly cupcakes, streamers and party hats. I’m trying to decide if I should throw shade at this party’s organizer or ask how one gets on the invite list.
14. We have seen the future…and it is sad.
Mary’s grandchildren gave this doll to her on her last birthday. They thought it was so funny. They laughed and laughed. But Mary didn’t laugh. And neither did her 13 cats.
15. Is nothing sacred?
How much cuter did these goats’ owners need them to be? They’re baby goats. They’re adorable by definition. Did they need pajamas? Sure, their cuteness level is now off the charts. But it’s the principle here.